My Own Mentality

So I thought I would go into some more detail about my own personal experiences, so that you all know where I'm coming from.

I have been depressed for most of my life. For a long time, I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. When I was a teenager I thought it was a phase. In college I thought it must be stress. After college I thought everyone else was the problem. It couldn't be me. There couldn't be anything wrong with me mentally. That would make me crazy, wouldn't it?

After much urging from my family, I finally talked to my doctor and began psychological counseling. I have been in counseling for almost two years now. I have been on anti-depressants for just as long.

The thing with antidepressants is, you never know if they're going to work. The side effects kick in right away, but the benefits take some time to hit you. And even then, sometimes the benefits just aren't worth it.

For example, the first antidepressant I was on was great. I felt amazing. But it made me gain weight rapidly, even when I wasn't eating much. I changed medicines, but I still haven't managed to get that weight off.

The second antidepressant I tried made me feel worse. I felt hyper caffeinated and very edgy. That one didn't last long. I went back to my doctor after two weeks and told her it had to be changed immediately.

The fourth medicine I tried worked okay, but I found that my insomnia became much worse while on it. My doctor added a sleeping aid that is often used in conjunction with antidepressants, and it helped somewhat. We're still adjusting the dosages, and I'll be going back in a month for a regular checkup and to discuss how I'm doing.

I go to counseling every Wednesday morning. Sometimes I have a lot I want to talk about, and some weeks I'm okay and we talk about things that seem banal or trite. Some weeks I am a sobbing mess in the office, and other weeks I'm very chipper and upbeat. Nothing is perfect yet. The medicine isn't a magical fix-all.

For example, for about the last week, I've felt my depression creeping up on me. I've been crying at everything, and yesterday and today I had horrible crying fits. I don't even know why I was crying. I just felt miserable and upset, and nothing could console me.

I'm not telling you all this so that you'll feel sorry for me. I'm saying it because I hope that it will give you all some idea of what my day to day is like. It's very up and down. My emotions can change in the bat of an eye. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. Some situations make me feel incredibly anxious, and sometimes I manage to choke it down and face things like a big girl.

And I'm not afraid to talk about it. I was for a long time, because, again, I didn't want to admit that I was depressed and anxious. Many people who suffer from depression don't like to or are afraid to talk about it. I'm not, not anymore. But I was. Like many people, I associated "depression" with "mentally ill" with "crazy".

I can be very sensitive about the word "crazy". Lots of people use it in a way that they don't intend to be offensive. "Man, [insert noun here] was so crazy!" "Did you see that movie? Wasn't that crazy?" "I'm crazy excited about [blank]" Etc, etc.

People use this word when what they really mean is "intense", "overwhelming", or "amazing", or some variation thereof. So why don't they use those words? Why use "crazy"? Or "insane"? Or "psychotic"?

Don't worry, if you use it around me I'm not going to jump down your throat. Depending on the situation, how well I know you, and the context of what you said, I may gently tell you that there are better words to use. I know that people who use those words don't intend for them to be harmful.

So, maybe you guys could think about cutting those words from your vocabulary. It took me a very long time to do that, and sometimes I still slip up and use them. It's okay. It's not an easy thing to do.

Finally, I wanted to link to something that made me laugh, and also struck me as a pretty accurate depiction of what I feel sometimes: Adventures in Depression, a crudely drawn comic on a blog I enjoy reading. The crude art coupled with her writing makes it hilarious to me. Your opinion may vary, but I thought I'd throw some humor into what is otherwise an overly serious post.